Monday, March 26, 2007

What a Joakim!

I hate the University of Florida. I hate that the Gators annihilated my alma mater in the 2002 Orange Bowl. I hate their "holier than thou" fans. I used to hate Steve Spurrier when he coached at UF and I'm starting to hate Billy Donovan's faux-humility (he's the Melinda Doolittle of the NCAA). Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the State of Florida -- hell, I even lived there for 3 years. But, there is something evil, something overly annoying that perpetuates my hatred of the school; something I couldn't quite put my finger on until this weekend. Enter Joakim Noah.

I HATE everything about this guy. First off, he's way overrated from purely a statistical standpoint. According to, a widely-accepted source for NBA draft information/predictions, Noah is currently slated at number 6 overall. No disrespect to the NBAdraft writers, but this is a VERY generous prediction. In fact, many of Noah' statistics (in the categories that matter for a power forward) are DOWN from last year (ppg, blks, FG%, and FT%). There was no change in steals or assists, he averaged only one more rpg (8.5 -- which isn't jaw-dropping for a 6-11 PF) and perhaps most notable, he practically doubled his turnovers/game in just one more minute of p.t. this season. YIKES! There is little argument that his offensive game is horrendous -- he has no signature move, he lacks finesse around the basket and has no mid-range jump shot --all of which a guy like Noah NEEDS to succeed at the next level. In basketball, they call Noah "intense;" in reality, he's just "hyperactive." Compare how Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen played in college to his career in the NBA (Madsen's '06-'07 stats: 8 mpg, 1 ppg and 1.4 rpg). I predict a similar fate for Noah. Indeed, his only saving grace is that he's on the Gators. Otherwise, he's just another guy with at best, decent statistics for the college game.

But there is something more that ticks me off about Noah -- his primal urge to scream and yell like a 9-year old EVERY TIME he gets a rebound, draws a foul, or even gets his opponent to call a time out. Such conduct might be amusing in college, but there is no room for that sort of behavior in the NBA. Take for example the top players in the league today -- Nowitski, Nash, James, Howard, Arenas, Bryant, etc. These guys make SPECTACULAR plays EVERY NIGHT. They have class, they know they are good; they don't act like complete asses everytime they hit a shot or force a turnover. Why? Because they know NBA fans don't give a shit about the song and dance -- that isn't why we pay $110 per ticket and $20 bucks for a hot dog and beer. We want to win. Good or bad, only college kids get off from watching guys like Noah -- it pumps the frat boys up hours before the keg party at the ZBT house. In college, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- it's about comraderie, team spirit, and bragging rights.

Mr. Noah, a word of advice: if you want to make it at the next level, take a Ritalin, learn the fundamentals, and GROW UP!

And by the way, congratulations. You're now in the company of Bono, Angelina, Beyonce, the entire New York Yankees team, Fergie, Rachael Ray, Mel Gibson, The Cameron Crazies, Donald Trump, Jessica Simpson, Sanjaya, Tuan Le, Tyra Banks, Terri Hatcher, and Katie Couric as the people I hate most.

Go Bruins!

D.S., Weightstaff


WeightStaff said...

Very well written. You did however forget to mention his French tennis player father, Yannick Noah. He was the men's doubles runner-up at the 1987 French Open with partner Guy Forget.

Guy Forget is a popular Phish rarity first played live on 10/1/2000 at the Desert Sky Pavillion in Phoenix, AZ. Notation from that setlist reads, "First time played; pronounced "Gee-For-Jay" (a tennis player's name); Trey on keyboards; similar to recent versions of "Catapult"; included lyrics something to the effect of "I never met a man I could not forget except for Guy Forget"; soundchecked back as far as February 1993."


WeightStaff said...

Loved the post...Seeing the pictures afterwards sured it up. But I got to say, I'm not a Donald Trump hater. I love the guy. He's a shameless self promoter who is happy he's shameless. More power to him. I met him at a book signing in Midtown and even though he was off camera he was just like he is on tv. He's not a faker.

R.L. Weightstaff

Anonymous said...

Noah is gay. Man law.